Why Are Gays the Sluts of the World? A Gay Man's Perspective On Life, Sex, and the Culture that Created Me

This is a longer version of a blog post from Fall 2012 (with a lot more sass):

    Why are gays the sluts of the world? I ask this question not thinking we are but knowing that we are most definitely perceived that way. This stigma of homosexuals be- ing sex crazed whores is in some cases over-exaggerated and in others just completely baseless. Still, I want to put forth what I think are causes, not excuses, and also offer up that it's not just us gays who get around the town. In this paper I will explore the origins of the heteronormative culture’s disdain for same-sex relationships and then dive into how this has affected gay culture and what change will look like moving forward.

    Let's start off by noting that the human race as a whole is sex crazed (look at our tv ads) and that expressing the capacity to love in sexual ways is something ingrained into all of our cultures. So what then brings out this condemnation on us, the homos, specifically? Well, I'm glad I asked. I was recently talking with some friends about the marriage limiting amendment that came up for a vote in Minnesota in 2012. The general response I get, even from other gays, is that we don't have long term relationships and that it is rare when one of our couple pairings makes it—the exception not the norm. Where does this consensus come from? And furthermore, why are we being singled out on this? We have proven statistics that show about half of marriages end in divorce (Marriage And Divorce, APA). Guess what, the gays can't get married yet! So it isn't us!! So, we have half of our heterosexual counterparts breaking up after making a 'lifetime' commitment to each other and yet us homos are the ones who can't make relationships work?! Who the fuck writes this shit? I have seen relationships, no matter who they are with, end and fade. The sexes of those involved has been a moot point.

    
    Now, I will admit that I think our community has historically not been in the rela- tionship business: more out of necessity than want. It is very difficult to have full fledged relationships when for the majority of our history we feared for our livelihoods—and worse our lives themselves—if we were discovered as lovers. So that fed into this hookup lifestyle: made ever so easy with the advent of bathhouses and gay bars at the turn of the twentieth century. To fully understand what I mean by this it is important we turn our focus to a seismic change in culture that happened around the end of the twelfth and thirteenth centuries. The idea of homosexual identity is a very recent con- cept; dating back to only the last few hundred years. In the past, major cultures paid very little attention to who you were having sex with—think of the Romans, Greeks, and the Hellenistic Period. Other cultures, such as indigenous people here in the Americas revered same-sex couplings as gifts from the gods and placed them in important roles within society (Walker, NYTimes). Even European culture in the Medieval Era had what has come to be known as a ‘Homosocial’ culture. That is, same-sex relationships were idealized as true masculinity, loyalty, and brotherhood. The knight who wished to stay at home with his wife was seen as weak and undeserving of titles. To that point, the first references of men as effeminate were not used on those perceived as wanting to en- gage in sex with other men but on those who would forsake knightly duties to be with a woman. The love of men—even in a social context was of higher import than that of women. This didn’t necessarily lead to a ‘homosexual’ culture, in fact, we have little evidence that these were sexual relationships, however, they were same-sex relationships that exhibited great amounts of love (Tin, Louis-Georges, The Invention...). Some of them even bordered on outright homoerotic fantasy, like the epic poem, Lancelot du lac, which has Sir Galehot sneaking into Sir Lancelot’s bed multiple times throughout the poem as well as engaging in what seems to be a foursome with Sir Lancelot, Lady Guinevere, and Lady Malehaut (The Legend of Sir Lancelot Du Lac, 13th Century). As the Catholic Church grew in power its fear of losing said power also increased. At the end of the 13th century the Church implemented an agenda of conditioning the masses for marriage. They began stifling the theatre, and other forms of artistic expression that talked about anything other than the romanticization of Jesus Christ and the church, thus sounded the death knell for the knightly circle and the homosocial culture. It was at this point that any semblance of homosexuality was snuffed out and fled underground.

    At the turn of the twentieth century, gay culture started to emerge again with the advent of nothing other than the religious-right’s moralist pursuit of prohibition. With speak-easies everyone was breaking the law, so homosexual culture was accepted until prohibition ended. The problem with this was once queer people experienced life out of the closet it was hard for some of them to even think of going back in. And so the Gay Rights Movement started. And we have, once again, a Marxist struggle—now between the heteronormative culture and a sexual minority. In the middle of the 1900s, we see the predominantly heterosexual culture try to demonize, subvert, and even destroy an emerging culture of sexually aware queers. In the mid-twentieth century because of hate crimes, unlawful arrests, and unjust firings, gay men were forced back into the shadows. It was unconscionable to have an out relationship in most of the United States. Even quote-unquote safe havens like San Fransisco and Greenwich Village in the 50’s were not the gaytopias they transitioned to in the late 70’s. And even then they were far from perfect. Clear societal war was erupting across the United States in the second half of the century. Gay men responded in a few ways: In the 60’s and 70’s we see this emergence of strong, “natural” men as the predominant ideal for gay men. Cowboys and muscled hunks on every corner of Castro Street (Shilts, Mayor of CastroStreet—1982). This was in direct response to the heteronormative criticism that gay men were “swishy”, weak, or effeminate. Thus, it was a putting on of gender and sexuality to attempt to appease the dominant culture and assimilate into the culture at large.

With this new found (and out) sexual identity, a freedom also began to emerge. The freedom to have sex when, how, and with whomever we chose. You see, when you have nothing to lose—or have already lost it all—not a whole lot matters. So gay men began to give in to a hookup mentality (And this isn't a bad thing just because it is out- side of the norms approved by the heteronormative culture). We couldn't hold hands and get married and if we wanted to put up photos of significant others at the office we would get fired. So if you can’t bring someone home for the holidays the general consensus was don’t get so attached to someone that you would want to bring them home in the first place. And for a long while this was the only real option.

    As marriage equality becomes more of a reality for LGBT Americans the idea of longterm relationships also becomes a realized idea for many people. There are trends of this hookup culture changing and shifting rather rapidly, and it's been an emerging trend for quite some time. We are relational beings after all (even us gays). We also have to remember that there haven't been services to help us through relationship prob- lems even before marriage equality—there wasn't a big group of relationship counselors willing to help us gays. Until recently there was no major support structure to speak of for our community. However, I believe we are at the point where we are no more likely to break up than our heterosexual counterparts. And it's time people started recognizing that very important fact. I would also predict that when we eventually gain equal rights and the stigma surrounding gay relationships is fully discarded we will quickly see that our love and commitment is just as real and messy and rewarding as everyone else's in this world.
  
    For me the fight for marriage equality helps to normalize queer relationships. It provides role models for queer youth searching desperately for validation and accep- tance. Marriage Equality is also part of the assimilation that the dominant culture is more ok with (it disrupts the patriarchy less than full sexual freedom). Because with the Gay Rights Movement came this liberation and sexual freedom. The heteronormative culture isn't ready to deal with the fact that ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ are social constructs and that people should not be shamed for what they do with their bodies, or who they do it with, regardless if that other person has a penis or a vagina. Period. But the gays want- ed acceptance and the Heteronormative culture wanted to try and keep as much power as they could during this shift and transition. Let’s be honest, them capitulating on marriage was a lot easier than actually dismantling the patriarchy and abolishing slut-shaming altogether. So, yay, we won marriage but we have a long way to go. Don't get me wrong the marriage equality movement has made great strides for the LGBT movement. But those within our society as a whole who are most marginalized are still those marginalized within our queer community. Marriage equality mainly helps middle-class gay and lesbian couples. In a lot of ways, we have said fuck off to queer people of color and trans* individuals. All because attractive, white gays were the ones writing the lobbying checks. So, no, marriage equality isn't the end and it doesn't even come close to fixing all of the inequality and inequity LGBT people face in America. It is a first step of many and we MUST see that we cannot rest on our laurels and assimilate into a culture that would rather have us shut up and color instead of speak out against the injustices being committed each and every day by the status quo.

    The idea that gay men are sluts is partly true and wildly over-exaggerated. I would argue that people are sluts. People are sexual1. There is nothing wrong with being a slut and people shouldn't be ashamed because they like sex. And don’t you worry, I will gladly have sex with men to prove my whole “slut is a social construct” theory.

-Jacob Thomas

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1This is not to erase or disregard people who identify as asexual. I recognize that sexuality can have a nonexistent nature and that can be completely valid. I am just stating that by and large humans are sexual beings.

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Works Cited
"Marriage and Divorce." Http://www.apa.org. N.p., n.d. Web. 17 Nov. 2014.
Walker, Dalton. "Going Far From Home to Feel at Home." The New York Times. The
New York Times, 16 July 2007. Web. 17 Nov. 2014.
Tin, Louis-Georges. "Chivalric Opposition To Heterosexual Culture." The Invention of
Heterosexual Culture. Cambridge, MA: MIT, 2012. N. pag. Print. The Legend Of Sir Lancelot Du Lac. N.p.: n.p., n.d. Web.
<http://www.gutenberg.org/files/46497/46497-h/46497-h.htm>.
Shilts, Randy. The Mayor of Castro Street: The Life and times of Harvey Milk. New York: St. Martin's, 1982. Print.
Hirshman, Linda R. Victory: The Triumphant Gay Revolution. New York: Harper, 2012. Print.