An Airman's Coming Out
When I reflect on my short twenty-two years, I struggle with how to express how every aspect of my life was engulfed by this little thing called homosexuality that eventually would come to be one of my defining traits. I've shared a video of me coming out, but those seven minutes definitely can't tell the full story. So here is a better, less concise attempt...
I was born to a lower middle class family in northwest Georgia. My parents taught Sunday school and we went to church every Sunday, with no exceptions. I went to a small Christian school my entire academic career, so I constantly had voices expressing how wrong homosexuality was and how awful it was. Looking back at my adolescence, I can pick out multiple times where I was operating outside of those normal gender lines, where I was doing and thinking things that an all American straight boy just shouldn't be doing or thinking. My mom used to have this pair of black leather boots that I would always sneak into her closet to try on because I thought they were just the coolest things and I remember staring at boys on the playground. Now here's where the problem comes in: I liked girls too. I struggled with same-sex attraction all the time, and believe me, it has always been much stronger than heterosexual attraction. However, I found girls to be bearable and by god if I wanted to go to Heaven, bearable was just going to have to work! So I kept pushing that struggle to the back of my mind. I expressed interest in girls, tried dating a couple of them, and eventually got married. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The fact that I was attracted to boys really hit me and started solidifying between the ages of ten and twelve. So that by the time I was twelve, I was praying every single night to make it go away. I always felt so ashamed of the thoughts and fantasies that I would have. Then when I was about fifteen, I met a friend who was having a few of those same horrible feelings. We hit it off and became best friends, and then of course, experimented a little. Now we didn't do anything crazy. There was no sex. Neither of us was ready for that but we did become emotionally attached. He was a little older and surer of his orientation than I was, and because of that, he wrote me a love letter. This is where it gets interesting... The summer I turned sixteen, my mom found this love letter and then I thought Hell had come to earth. My mom confronted me with the letter and I vehemently denied that I had any part in it. I created my lie and stuck with it. I did probably the most selfish and horrible thing I could have done, but to me this was life or death, every confused teenager for himself. So, I threw my friend under the bus and then I made sure that bus slammed it in reverse and ran right back over him again. I denied that anything happened and defended myself by claiming the letter made me uncomfortable and I didn't know what to do about it. Now, in truth, the letters did make me uncomfortable, not because I didn't reciprocate the feelings for this boy but because I felt horrible with myself for having those feelings in the first place. And yes, I did write letters back to him. Thank goodness mine were never found (that would have been awkward). So this whole situation prompted a sit down between the families where I had to sit across the table from my best friend, my almost lover, and tell them it was all his doing and I was worried about his salvation. I still feel badly about how that ended. In my mind I had convinced myself that it was his doing: I didn't initiate the letters; I wasn't at the same point he was; I couldn't imagine actually going through with being with a boy at that point. So, yeah, "It was his fault." And that’s what my inner commentary kept screaming at me.
With that it was over. We stopped being friends for a good while and eventually we made up (and out). The real eye opening experience here though was how my parents handled it. Now, I never once thought my parents would stop loving me. That wasn't the issue. However, I knew that as soon as I would have come out, I would have been sent to see pastors and doctors and therapists and eventually to a “straight” camp, a highly monitored and controlled facility sponsored by some churches where parents send their gay teenagers to be ‘converted’ to heterosexuality. And all of that was too much to handle, so I bottled up all of that shame and guilt and fear inside.
I truly thought that if I didn't want it hard enough, or if I just prayed long enough, it would all go away but I couldn't let anyone know about it. I mean, how could this god, this creator, make me suffer like this without offering some form of escape? I decided if I threw myself at the church, if I dedicated everything to Christ then maybe, just maybe, he would swoop down and take away these horrible feelings that I had. Having made that determination, I plunged into service with the church. By sixteen I was on the skit team at my church, I was teaching Bible lessons at church and school, and I was even preaching on youth nights. With all of this advancing the kingdom I was doing, I felt like God would come save me and finally remove those feelings that I couldn't change, even though lord knows I tried.
Two weeks after my eighteenth birthday I went into the Air Force, wholeheartedly convincing myself I was straight and just had some side issues I needed working out. So, once again, I dove into helping the church. Through my schooling with the Air Force I volunteered at the local church as a sound technician, went to bible studies, and the whole nine yards. Then the Air Force sent me to an even more rural area than where I grew up and six states further away. I immediately jumped into a local church and within twenty-four hours of being on the ground was running the sound booth at what would become my home church. I got involved in leading the youth group and singing on the praise team and doing outreach and bible studies, all the while struggling with this little thing called homosexuality, because those thoughts and desires never went away. No matter how much praying I did, no matter how many sermons I preached or lessons I taught, at the end of the day I still hated myself for something I couldn't control. Then I met a girl that I liked, a girl that I truly did love and care about. We got married and stayed married for two years. We didn't work out for multiple reasons, though not because I wanted to sleep with men; at this point I was still convincing myself daily that I didn't like men. But that was that: I was divorced and still completely confused about my sexual orientation. It would take me months from that point to come to terms with the fact that I was gay and that there was nothing that was ever going to change that. From there it still took me a month or two to muster up the courage to tell someone. So, on the verge of my twenty-second birthday, I came out to some of my closest friends, slowly working my way to my coworkers. Then, with the help of those friends, came out to a few more people and then a few more. Until one day, I realized there were probably twenty-five people in North Dakota who knew. But my parents had no idea. Oops. I decided it was best to tell my parents before any rumors or forced outings happened. So, I sat down and made a video that I emailed to my parents (they're six states away at this point remember) and I stayed on the phone with them as they watched the video. We talked for a bit with the theme being disbelief and just saying they would always love me, but also telling me that it was wrong and if I didn't change my ways I was going to end up in Hell.
Now while all of this was going on, I had posted this status on Facebook, "I don't want us to fall out, but we are all out of time. Let’s see who still loves me in an hour." The first part of that is a song lyric from Sam Tsui. This caused the pastor I used to work with to think I was writing a suicide post and he called my boss to check on me. So now halfway through the phone call with my parents, my commander (a Lieutenant Colonel, O-5) and my First Sergeant (Master Sergeant, E-9) show up at my apartment to make sure I'm ok. I applaud them for following through and checking on me, but man that was awkward. It really showed me that they cared about my well being and that I couldn’t have asked for a better leadership team. I was fine but if I hadn't been, they could have made the difference. So my appreciation and thanks go out to them.
Let's go back to my parents though. That conversation ended and then I posted the video to my Facebook and made it public on YouTube, which somewhat upset my parents that everything happened so fast. But the responses from the videos were overwhelming. I received so many emails and comments, 98% of which were extremely supportive and positive. People who I never thought would be accepting of me after that still reached out and comforted me and expressed their love for me. I was dumbfounded at the love that poured out to me. Now, don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t all been rainbows and butterflies. My parents and I still argue about my eternal resting place and how we would never agree on this issue. And I just had an email debate before writing this with someone I used to go to church with about how I was wrong and would answer for my sins. Yet, I cling to hope that this won’t always be the case.
So, I guess that about covers my first twenty-two years. I have been completely and unapologetically out for three months now. It has gotten so much better. Being able to be honest with myself and others has made such a difference in my enjoyment of life. Serving in a military that now allows me to be honest is spectacular. Moreover, because of posting the video on YouTube I have been able to talk with people who are struggling with their sexual identity and help them through the process. I have the amazing opportunity to give advice to people on coming out to their friends and family, all because I struggled with it too. I get to tell people almost daily that it is ok if they’re gay! I get to show them someone still loves them regardless of who they love. Now I have thrust myself into the arena of advancing equality and continuing to help those individuals within the LGBT community deal with coming out. I believe it is imperative that we come out to our parents and coworkers because people need to know we are here and that we matter and that justice, dignity, and human rights for all will wait no longer! So I will fight until the end and help for as long as I am needed. I hope you will do the same, because if you do, if WE do, it will get better not just for us, but for everyone.
