Why Are Gays the Sluts of the World? A Gay Man's Perspective On Life, Sex, and the Culture that Created Me

This is a longer version of a blog post from Fall 2012 (with a lot more sass):

    Why are gays the sluts of the world? I ask this question not thinking we are but knowing that we are most definitely perceived that way. This stigma of homosexuals be- ing sex crazed whores is in some cases over-exaggerated and in others just completely baseless. Still, I want to put forth what I think are causes, not excuses, and also offer up that it's not just us gays who get around the town. In this paper I will explore the origins of the heteronormative culture’s disdain for same-sex relationships and then dive into how this has affected gay culture and what change will look like moving forward.

    Let's start off by noting that the human race as a whole is sex crazed (look at our tv ads) and that expressing the capacity to love in sexual ways is something ingrained into all of our cultures. So what then brings out this condemnation on us, the homos, specifically? Well, I'm glad I asked. I was recently talking with some friends about the marriage limiting amendment that came up for a vote in Minnesota in 2012. The general response I get, even from other gays, is that we don't have long term relationships and that it is rare when one of our couple pairings makes it—the exception not the norm. Where does this consensus come from? And furthermore, why are we being singled out on this? We have proven statistics that show about half of marriages end in divorce (Marriage And Divorce, APA). Guess what, the gays can't get married yet! So it isn't us!! So, we have half of our heterosexual counterparts breaking up after making a 'lifetime' commitment to each other and yet us homos are the ones who can't make relationships work?! Who the fuck writes this shit? I have seen relationships, no matter who they are with, end and fade. The sexes of those involved has been a moot point.

    
    Now, I will admit that I think our community has historically not been in the rela- tionship business: more out of necessity than want. It is very difficult to have full fledged relationships when for the majority of our history we feared for our livelihoods—and worse our lives themselves—if we were discovered as lovers. So that fed into this hookup lifestyle: made ever so easy with the advent of bathhouses and gay bars at the turn of the twentieth century. To fully understand what I mean by this it is important we turn our focus to a seismic change in culture that happened around the end of the twelfth and thirteenth centuries. The idea of homosexual identity is a very recent con- cept; dating back to only the last few hundred years. In the past, major cultures paid very little attention to who you were having sex with—think of the Romans, Greeks, and the Hellenistic Period. Other cultures, such as indigenous people here in the Americas revered same-sex couplings as gifts from the gods and placed them in important roles within society (Walker, NYTimes). Even European culture in the Medieval Era had what has come to be known as a ‘Homosocial’ culture. That is, same-sex relationships were idealized as true masculinity, loyalty, and brotherhood. The knight who wished to stay at home with his wife was seen as weak and undeserving of titles. To that point, the first references of men as effeminate were not used on those perceived as wanting to en- gage in sex with other men but on those who would forsake knightly duties to be with a woman. The love of men—even in a social context was of higher import than that of women. This didn’t necessarily lead to a ‘homosexual’ culture, in fact, we have little evidence that these were sexual relationships, however, they were same-sex relationships that exhibited great amounts of love (Tin, Louis-Georges, The Invention...). Some of them even bordered on outright homoerotic fantasy, like the epic poem, Lancelot du lac, which has Sir Galehot sneaking into Sir Lancelot’s bed multiple times throughout the poem as well as engaging in what seems to be a foursome with Sir Lancelot, Lady Guinevere, and Lady Malehaut (The Legend of Sir Lancelot Du Lac, 13th Century). As the Catholic Church grew in power its fear of losing said power also increased. At the end of the 13th century the Church implemented an agenda of conditioning the masses for marriage. They began stifling the theatre, and other forms of artistic expression that talked about anything other than the romanticization of Jesus Christ and the church, thus sounded the death knell for the knightly circle and the homosocial culture. It was at this point that any semblance of homosexuality was snuffed out and fled underground.

    At the turn of the twentieth century, gay culture started to emerge again with the advent of nothing other than the religious-right’s moralist pursuit of prohibition. With speak-easies everyone was breaking the law, so homosexual culture was accepted until prohibition ended. The problem with this was once queer people experienced life out of the closet it was hard for some of them to even think of going back in. And so the Gay Rights Movement started. And we have, once again, a Marxist struggle—now between the heteronormative culture and a sexual minority. In the middle of the 1900s, we see the predominantly heterosexual culture try to demonize, subvert, and even destroy an emerging culture of sexually aware queers. In the mid-twentieth century because of hate crimes, unlawful arrests, and unjust firings, gay men were forced back into the shadows. It was unconscionable to have an out relationship in most of the United States. Even quote-unquote safe havens like San Fransisco and Greenwich Village in the 50’s were not the gaytopias they transitioned to in the late 70’s. And even then they were far from perfect. Clear societal war was erupting across the United States in the second half of the century. Gay men responded in a few ways: In the 60’s and 70’s we see this emergence of strong, “natural” men as the predominant ideal for gay men. Cowboys and muscled hunks on every corner of Castro Street (Shilts, Mayor of CastroStreet—1982). This was in direct response to the heteronormative criticism that gay men were “swishy”, weak, or effeminate. Thus, it was a putting on of gender and sexuality to attempt to appease the dominant culture and assimilate into the culture at large.

With this new found (and out) sexual identity, a freedom also began to emerge. The freedom to have sex when, how, and with whomever we chose. You see, when you have nothing to lose—or have already lost it all—not a whole lot matters. So gay men began to give in to a hookup mentality (And this isn't a bad thing just because it is out- side of the norms approved by the heteronormative culture). We couldn't hold hands and get married and if we wanted to put up photos of significant others at the office we would get fired. So if you can’t bring someone home for the holidays the general consensus was don’t get so attached to someone that you would want to bring them home in the first place. And for a long while this was the only real option.

    As marriage equality becomes more of a reality for LGBT Americans the idea of longterm relationships also becomes a realized idea for many people. There are trends of this hookup culture changing and shifting rather rapidly, and it's been an emerging trend for quite some time. We are relational beings after all (even us gays). We also have to remember that there haven't been services to help us through relationship prob- lems even before marriage equality—there wasn't a big group of relationship counselors willing to help us gays. Until recently there was no major support structure to speak of for our community. However, I believe we are at the point where we are no more likely to break up than our heterosexual counterparts. And it's time people started recognizing that very important fact. I would also predict that when we eventually gain equal rights and the stigma surrounding gay relationships is fully discarded we will quickly see that our love and commitment is just as real and messy and rewarding as everyone else's in this world.
  
    For me the fight for marriage equality helps to normalize queer relationships. It provides role models for queer youth searching desperately for validation and accep- tance. Marriage Equality is also part of the assimilation that the dominant culture is more ok with (it disrupts the patriarchy less than full sexual freedom). Because with the Gay Rights Movement came this liberation and sexual freedom. The heteronormative culture isn't ready to deal with the fact that ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ are social constructs and that people should not be shamed for what they do with their bodies, or who they do it with, regardless if that other person has a penis or a vagina. Period. But the gays want- ed acceptance and the Heteronormative culture wanted to try and keep as much power as they could during this shift and transition. Let’s be honest, them capitulating on marriage was a lot easier than actually dismantling the patriarchy and abolishing slut-shaming altogether. So, yay, we won marriage but we have a long way to go. Don't get me wrong the marriage equality movement has made great strides for the LGBT movement. But those within our society as a whole who are most marginalized are still those marginalized within our queer community. Marriage equality mainly helps middle-class gay and lesbian couples. In a lot of ways, we have said fuck off to queer people of color and trans* individuals. All because attractive, white gays were the ones writing the lobbying checks. So, no, marriage equality isn't the end and it doesn't even come close to fixing all of the inequality and inequity LGBT people face in America. It is a first step of many and we MUST see that we cannot rest on our laurels and assimilate into a culture that would rather have us shut up and color instead of speak out against the injustices being committed each and every day by the status quo.

    The idea that gay men are sluts is partly true and wildly over-exaggerated. I would argue that people are sluts. People are sexual1. There is nothing wrong with being a slut and people shouldn't be ashamed because they like sex. And don’t you worry, I will gladly have sex with men to prove my whole “slut is a social construct” theory.

-Jacob Thomas

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1This is not to erase or disregard people who identify as asexual. I recognize that sexuality can have a nonexistent nature and that can be completely valid. I am just stating that by and large humans are sexual beings.

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Works Cited
"Marriage and Divorce." Http://www.apa.org. N.p., n.d. Web. 17 Nov. 2014.
Walker, Dalton. "Going Far From Home to Feel at Home." The New York Times. The
New York Times, 16 July 2007. Web. 17 Nov. 2014.
Tin, Louis-Georges. "Chivalric Opposition To Heterosexual Culture." The Invention of
Heterosexual Culture. Cambridge, MA: MIT, 2012. N. pag. Print. The Legend Of Sir Lancelot Du Lac. N.p.: n.p., n.d. Web.
<http://www.gutenberg.org/files/46497/46497-h/46497-h.htm>.
Shilts, Randy. The Mayor of Castro Street: The Life and times of Harvey Milk. New York: St. Martin's, 1982. Print.
Hirshman, Linda R. Victory: The Triumphant Gay Revolution. New York: Harper, 2012. Print. 

An Open Letter To Senator Heitkamp On Gun Control

Senator Heitkamp,

Last night I was deeply troubled, saddened, and disheartened that all the
gun control measures that would have made this country's citizens safer
failed to pass the Senate. What was even more troubling was that the
Manchin-Toomey Amendment failed and that you, Senator, were one of just a
handful of Democrats to vote it down! I expect your Republican colleagues to
oppose outright something that the Obama administration supports, and I
didn't expect all of the measures presented yesterday to pass the Senate but
I also did not expect my Democratic senator, whom I was so excited to see
representing us, go against this bi-partisan amendment.
   I grew up in the State of Georgia, one of the most pro-gun states in
the country. I am currently serving in the Air Force, stationed in Grand
Forks. I have shot my fair share of weaponry. I understand the trepidation
surrounding gun control. I understand that North Dakota hasn't experienced
the tragedy of gun violence as other states have, so we are much more
resistant to restricting anything involving guns. With that in mind, I
understand how difficult a decision voting on these matters can be (and
should be) for you. I truly believe that the job of elected officials is to
represent their constituents, but I also believe it is their job to act in
the best interest of their people. Furthermore, I believe that this duty of
speaking for the people and championing their best interests moves beyond
just those who put the official into office. It is the mandate of the
official to do what is best for ALL the citizens of this great nation. The
Manchin-Toomey Amendment IS the best thing for ALL of America's citizens. If
there are North Dakotans that didn't want any gun control measures or didn't
want this bi-partisan amendment, then it is your job to show them why they
should support it: to educate others on why this country needs laws like
these; to stand in support of common-sense measures that make not only
people of North Dakota safer but also the people of every other state in
this union.
   The proposals that failed to pass yesterday would not have ended gun
violence in America. They might not have stopped another act of terror like
those of Newtown, or Aurora, or the assassination attempt on Former
Congresswoman Giffords, but they might, just might, have done exactly that.
These measures would have saved the lives of Americans. That, in and of
itself, was reason to champion these measures to those in North Dakota that
would have wanted their defeat.
   I have lived in Grand Forks since February of 2009, when I
transferred here from training in Mississippi. I absolutely love this city
and its people, and so less than a week ago (6 days actually) I switched my
residency and became a full North Dakota resident. After major thought and
consideration, I realized that I wanted to move forward with you and this
state to bring North Dakota to a more moderate and brighter future. I
attended your campaign rallies and celebrated your election. I believe in
this state and I believe in you, which is why how you voted yesterday was so
disappointing.
   So, after all of that writing let me sum up my thoughts. I am
writing to express to you that there are North Dakotans who would stand
behind you in supporting common-sense gun control measures. I am writing to
express my sadness in your votes yesterday. While I still think you are an
exemplary woman and elected official, and while you haven't lost my vote, I
am disheartened with your performance yesterday.

Respectfully,
Jacob Thomas

On Open Letter Regarding ND SB 2252

An Open Letter to the Senators of North Dakota Regarding SB 2252:

Senators of North Dakota,

I am member of the United States Air Force. I am a community volunteer. I am citizen. And I am gay.

I am a gay North Dakotan, and how you vote on SB 2252 directly impacts me.
But I am not writing this to you for me. I'm not even writing this to you
for my LGBT friends, roommates, or coworkers. I am writing this to you, I am
pleading with you for the children of this great state. By passing this bill
and ensuring its success through ALL levels of the North Dakota Legislature
you have the opportunity, no the priviledge, to show every youth in this
state that they are wanted and that they belong and that they are not second
class citizens in this state. To proclaim to them that it gets better! That
is your charge and your responsibility. To send a strong and powerful
message to every kid, teen, youth, adult, and traveler that here in North
Dakota it does not matter what you look like, who you pray to, or who you
love you are wanted and respected and deserving of protection.

I urge you to vote in support of SB 2252 and let the LGBT youth of North
Dakota know there is hope.

-Jacob Thomas, SSgt, USAF
Grand Forks, ND

Jake Shears Interview - rucomingout

Great article over on rucomingout.com with Jake Shears. He is a great performer and an outstanding member of the LGBT community. Go check it out!!



Jake Shears Interview - rucomingout

Can We Be Big Boys In Government?

By now you have no doubt heard about a certain outburst from a high ranking member of our Congress. After months of negotiating and ideologging things had finally come to a head: Boehner told Reid to go fuck himself.

News Links: http://goo.gl/9ZS7e ; http://goo.gl/mMfW5 

Not only is it appalling to me that the Speaker of the House would direct such language to another member of Congress but also, that he would do it in public where it could be caught on record! America is tired of hyper-partisan politics that do absolutely nothing for the country except stagnate any potential progress. Now listen, this is to everyone: It is high time for both sides of the aisle to grow up and stop pretending they are schoolyard boys with adolescent grudges. Ideals are fine. beliefs are fine. Letting this great country burn because you can’t see past your own egos to realize that not compromising on anything and effectively halting the democratic process because of it rather than ceding some ground for the greater good is not. Our government MUST come together and put aside hate and grudges to be able to properly lead this nation. It must transform from Red vs Blue. This country thrives when ideas from both sides come together and are debated and considered until the best one comes out on top. This hasn’t been happening; it needs to start. Our leaders need to start playing grown up politics instead of grade school cliques; We The People deserve better.

-Jacob Thomas, 3 Jan 2012

Homecoming for the Out

I'm writing this from my hotel room in Illinois. I'm writing this on my way back home...

Tomorrow will be the first day I am back home after I came out almost six months ago. I am coming home, for the first time, completely and wholly honest and myself. And there is this huge unknown that accompanies this already sobering fact. I feel very much like how I imagine Leonidas the night before the Battle of Thermopylae.  Not in that I plan to come and conquer but that in the same way he was defending himself and the identity of his people against those who would challenge their way of life; I too, am coming to defend my identity among those who would seek to change it. I feel like the candidate on Election Day; the unknown looming over me, yet the finale quickly approaching.

As I sit here and reflect on these things: not only am I wondering if the hotel staff knew of my delusions of grandeur concerning Leonidas and if that is the reason they gave me room number 300, but also, what is different now from just a few short months ago. When I examine the past snapshot of my life, I recognize that a lot of things have changed. Some would even say me and I think this is worth unpacking. I need to know if that's the case. Have I changed? Is the person coming home the same person who left? Have I abandoned my principles? Have I lost sight of who I really am?

You say I've changed. I haven't changed. I just stopped lying. When I peel apart those questions, this is what I am left with. Three sentences that sum up my entire thought process and lay bare where I am at within my journey. And to be frank, I think it is where a lot, if not damn near all of us find ourselves after coming out. Let me explain: I spent 22 years lying to myself. And everyone else saw the manifestation of that in this false me. Now, that isn't to say that I was lying to everyone else. I was lying to myself and they (along with my psyche) were victims in that struggle. I spent years constructing a worldview, a persona, and a life around a lie that I tried desperately to convince myself of. When I finally stopped lying, the real me was able to show. So, the Jacob that is coming home is the same one. His appearance isn't. How you have perceived him isn't. Yet his core, his ideals, his passions are all still there ready to be fully seen and recognized for the first time. All that is seen is how I should have always been. It's how I was inside; I was just too afraid to show it until now.

So now I look to you, the newly out. You may feel like you have changed. You may have been told that. That isn't the case. It is not that you have changed; it is that you have stopped lying. You are letting those close to you gain a more intimate understanding of who you are. We don't go home saying this is who I am. I've accepted it and so should you otherwise we can't have a relationship. We come home saying I've discovered who I am; let me share it with you! We invite our family and friends in to be a part of who we are. We allow them access even unto the point where they can wound us with rejection. Yet this is how it must be. We come home hoping for the best and anticipating the worst. We come home praying for acceptance and preparing for excommunication. Baring ourselves to others makes us vulnerable. I can't think of a more intimate display of trust and love. Know that in any event the are those who love you. You have brothers and sisters who care and celebrate who you are. I have found that some of the best people I have met are 'family members' in a community I am honored to be a part of, the LGBT community.

I write this knowing I am not the only one coming home for the holidays. I know I am not the only one talking about sexuality this season either. I hope I am not the only being honest this Christmas...

World AIDS Day - Do Your Part

Today is World AIDS Day. This isn't a gay disease. This isn't a black disease. It is a human pandemic. Education is how you fight this. WE must fight this together. If you have contracted HIV you will not show symptoms nor will you test positive for 3 months. However, you will still be able to infect others during this period. For this reason alone it is imperative you use protection with your partners and encourage others to do the same. It is also our responsibility to get tested regularly (at least every 6 months to a year). To protect yourself, to protect others, and to save the human race. 
-Jacob Thomas

Why Are Gays the Sluts of the World?

Why are gays the sluts of the world? I ask this question not thinking we are but knowing that we are most definitely perceived that way. This stigma of homosexuals being sex crazed whores is in some cases over-exaggerated and in others just completely baseless. Still, I want to put forth what I think are causes, not excuses, and also offer up that it's not just us gays who get around the town.

Let's start off by noting that the human race as a whole is sex crazed (look at our tv ads) and that expressing the capacity to love in sexual ways is something ingrained into all of our cultures. So what then brings out this condemnation on us, the homos, specifically? Well, I'm glad I asked. I was recently talking with some friends about the marriage limiting amendment that is coming up for vote in Minnesota. The general response I get, even from other gays, is that we don't have long term relationships and that it is rare when one of our couple pairings makes it -- the exception not the norm. Where does this consensus come from? And furthermore, why are we being singled out on this? We have proven statistics that show more than half of marriages end in divorce. Guess what, the gays can't get married yet! So it isn't us!! So, we have over half of our heterosexual counterparts breaking up after making a 'lifetime' commitment to each other and yet us homos are the ones who can't make relationships work?! Who the fuck writes this shit? I have seen relationships, no matter who they are with, end and fade. The sexes of those involved has been a moot point.

Now, I will admit that I think our community has historically not been in the relationship business: more out of necessity than want. It is very difficult to have full fledged relationships when for the majority of our history we feared for our livelihoods, and worse our lives themselves, if we were discovered as lovers. So that fed into this hookup lifestyle: made ever so easy with the advent of bathhouses and gay bars at the turn of the twentieth century. There's a trend of this changing and shifting rather rapidly, and it's been an emerging trend for quite some time. We are relational beings after all (even us gays). We also have to remember that there haven't been services to help us through relationship problems. Until recently there was no major support structure to speak of for our community. However, I believe we are at the point where we are no more likely to break up than our heterosexual counterparts. And it's time people started recognizing that very important fact. I would also predict that when we eventually gain equal rights and the stigma surrounding gay relationships is fully discarded we will quickly see that our love and commitment is just as real and messy and rewarding as everyone else's in this world.

-Jacob, 6 Sep 2012